Mommy Dreamin

Cautiously expecting sometime in June 2006!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Afraid

Temp: 97.8
Time Taken: 6:30am
CD: 21
DPO: Unknown/Unclear

I'm afraid. I've always been afraid. What I'm speaking of is my health. The diagnos-yourself sites are my worst enemy. I would call myself a true hypochondriac except for the fact that everytime I go in for something, it's there. If I freakin knew when I ovulated, then I would chalk my pain up to cysts again, or ovulation pain. But, to look at my chart, it's seems as though I ovulated three times this month. Yeah, three.... That's not at all possible. Since I had pain during intercourse this month, it makes me believe I have cysts again. Except the first time I noticed them, I ruptured them. So, I'm headed back to the OBGYN on Monday. For pain (which I'm sure an ultrasound will be in order) and breast soreness/tenderness, which I've never had before. I'm cramping which is odd because I don't think I'm even due to start for another two weeks. Arghh!! This not knowing stuff is killing me. Literally, I'm so stressed about this. I wish you could get a checkup for everything in the world. An MRI of your entire body to check for every disease or problem known to mankind. Even if everything came back fine, I know myself too well to know that I'd be back the next week wanting it done again. Just to be safe...

So I'm left to search the internet aimlessly, one symptom leading me to this and then it could be that, or this even. It's a vicious cycle. I ask myself the "whys" too. Why did I have to go on B.C. in the first place? Why did I not take better care of myself from the start? I have so many of these things in my head I can't even think straight.

And I feel like the doctors dismiss me too quickly. Would I feel better if they found something this time? Almost. Then I would have a building block to build on. I don't know, I automatically assume something is wrong with me and it's only been 3 months of TTC. People try for years before they feel this way. If it wasn't for the pain, I don't think I would suspect a problem yet either. Why do I have a feeling my being overweight is hindering the process that much more?

::sigh:: And with that, I've lost my train of thought, lucky for you or I could go on all day about my woes. It's the type of mood I'm in right now.

It's a dark cloud, bear with me, it'll pass...


3 Comments:

At 7:57 PM, Blogger Dazed said...

Well, hopefully the doctor will take his time with you and put some of your fears aside. Make sure he spends time with you, dont let him run out of the room on you!! Hang in there. :)

 
At 11:41 AM, Blogger SJ said...

Rebecca, I completely understand your fear and your frustration. It wasn't until after I had my children that I knew when I ovulated. Now it hurts so bad when I ovulate, it's like I'm being punched to remind me, so yeah, it's hard not knowing. I need to read some of your archives to find out how old you are. I'm 41 and have a 2 year old and a 4 year old.

Our first child was born prematurely and died shortly after he was born. After that I was grief stricken, obsessed with getting pregnant again, a complete worry wart, and a bit crazy with fear as well. I went to support groups and web sites and felt I could perform surgery because I was so 'knowledgeable.' It just made me worry more.

Don't be intimidated by the doctors. Ask for whatever you feel necessary--more tests, ultrasounds, whatever. You are the patient, you know your body. Getting reassured is the best way to sanity. :)

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger Audree said...

calm down!

i know, easier said than done, but being stressed out will not lead you to conceiving.

 

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