Everyday people

It's been an extremely long time since I've posted anything here. I've debated throwing in the towel on this blog, since I tend to combine it into my other one anyways.

But then I realized that this will be a place for me to satisfy my craving. That sounds kind of weird, I know, but I've been feeling the strongest need to just wallow. You know, as in wallow in self pity.

This may seem a little shallow, but I want to grieve. For so many things. I want to feel bad for myself and not be the picture of optimism when anybody asks me about how our journey is going.

I'm not always happy and it's not just so easy to "just forget about it and it will happen" To be honest, I want to deck people when they say that. Maybe if my body worked the way it should I could just relax and let it happen. But I have a problem. It has a name. One of which nobody knows anything about and with all I've read about it I should be an expert, but I'm not because I'm more confused than ever about the whole thing.

This month I tried to forget about everything. Aaron hid my basal thermometer. I tried not to keep track of my cervical mucus or what day CD15-20 were on. But yet, today I find myself feeling naseous here and there, and I feel odd. Trying also to ignore the fact that my stomach is so incrediby tender. I'd love for this to be an early pregnancy symptom, but I know I'd be fooling myself. With my luck, it's more like a tumor in my stomach or cysts that are growing so large they're trying to take over my body. Amazing, when I write all these stupid, unfounded fears out, I don't feel so crazy.

I can attribute my waves of naseua to nerves. I gave my notice at work yesterday and I begin my new job in a couple of weeks. This is terrifying to me for many reasons. One of which is that it's new and it's change. The older I get, the less adaptable I am to this and it scares me.

So far the weight I have lost is between 20-22 pounds. 12 would have been the 5% that MAY have put me back into the "regular" cycle category.

My period is expected 3 days before I start my new job.

I need a vacation.