Mommy Dreamin

Cautiously expecting sometime in June 2006!!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Sharing the Love

Browsing blogs lately has been a rare occurance for me. Training my replacement has left little time for that.

However, the few I'd had a chance to browse have seemed to have been hit with the good luck stick. I suppose I should consider myself hit with that stick as well, since I will be starting my new job this coming Thursday. Although, it seems to me that if we get hit with the good luck stick, the bad luck stick is right behind it taunting us and reminding us that our happiness will be short-lived.

This month was one where we weren't "trying", we actually thought we fooled fate this time and it would happen. No, evelentythousand pee sticks later, still not pregnant. 2 months left to try before infertility treatment starts. I'm scared out of my mind to even go there.

Still going strong with my diabetic diet. I've lost 23 pounds now. 27 more to reach a personal goal. I'm hoping to do this by Christmas. Which is odd for me to do, because I never set weight goals for myself. I'm too determined to fail them.

An error made in the checkbook has cost us. Twice. Never once in my life have I ever had service fees, ever. Until this month when a 200 dollar error was made and voila! Two service fees instantly appear. I consider this a personal failure.

Rock bottom? No, we've been there before, we're just skimming it right now, hoping that someone will throw us a rope so we can climb out.

Have a free movie ticket that we're going to use tonight so we can go see Four Brothers. I have no idea what this movie is about, I'll let you know if it's good. It'd better be, our $20 dollar budget this week is being spent on it.

Have a good weekend!!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Everyday people

It's been an extremely long time since I've posted anything here. I've debated throwing in the towel on this blog, since I tend to combine it into my other one anyways.

But then I realized that this will be a place for me to satisfy my craving. That sounds kind of weird, I know, but I've been feeling the strongest need to just wallow. You know, as in wallow in self pity.

This may seem a little shallow, but I want to grieve. For so many things. I want to feel bad for myself and not be the picture of optimism when anybody asks me about how our journey is going.

I'm not always happy and it's not just so easy to "just forget about it and it will happen" To be honest, I want to deck people when they say that. Maybe if my body worked the way it should I could just relax and let it happen. But I have a problem. It has a name. One of which nobody knows anything about and with all I've read about it I should be an expert, but I'm not because I'm more confused than ever about the whole thing.

This month I tried to forget about everything. Aaron hid my basal thermometer. I tried not to keep track of my cervical mucus or what day CD15-20 were on. But yet, today I find myself feeling naseous here and there, and I feel odd. Trying also to ignore the fact that my stomach is so incrediby tender. I'd love for this to be an early pregnancy symptom, but I know I'd be fooling myself. With my luck, it's more like a tumor in my stomach or cysts that are growing so large they're trying to take over my body. Amazing, when I write all these stupid, unfounded fears out, I don't feel so crazy.

I can attribute my waves of naseua to nerves. I gave my notice at work yesterday and I begin my new job in a couple of weeks. This is terrifying to me for many reasons. One of which is that it's new and it's change. The older I get, the less adaptable I am to this and it scares me.

So far the weight I have lost is between 20-22 pounds. 12 would have been the 5% that MAY have put me back into the "regular" cycle category.

My period is expected 3 days before I start my new job.

I need a vacation.